Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
the raccoons are back...
Randomize