I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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