I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
