im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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