You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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