I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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