Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
