I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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