it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize