OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
