I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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