it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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