you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
