Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
