non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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