Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
