dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
