It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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