i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
