Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
