I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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