I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
