so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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