She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my shit smells like andre
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
