Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
