WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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