As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
