i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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