wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
