last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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