they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
