I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
