you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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