i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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