Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
