I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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