The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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