glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
