Don't make out with my wife yet
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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