How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
