Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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