i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
