Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
