you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sext me about skeletons
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
