Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
