Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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