I can text with my tongue
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
