Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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