I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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