sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
