I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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