I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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