I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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