Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
