Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize