u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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