Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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