i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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