he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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