I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize