My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
