I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
